Well, I have decided to embark on a week long challenge, starting today to being me into a routine in updating my blog and also in life by large. As I was telling you about how I plan to manage my finances, the same way, April is going to be a new beginning.
All through this week, hopefully, you will see one blog entry about anything from under the sun and one art work. Maybe a picture too, but that is not something I can guarantee to myself.
You are exactly 150 days today. And that calculates to 150 days / 3600 hours / 21600 precious minutes of being with you, in your company, loving you, caring for you, praying, staying awake, happy, humbled and blessed, only because of you.
I wake up to the sight of you,
Nothing breathes life into me like your smell can do.
Your bright big eyes show me the world,
The world that I can help change, giving them you.
In your eyes, I see a hope so bright,
A light that has illuminated my soul with divine insight.
When you hold my fingers with your tiny fingers,
I sense that trust that'll only better like timber.
When you coo at me, my heart skips a beat,
My soul dances and my life never felt so complete.
When you cry, and tears roll down your eye,
It feels like I am bursting inside and I could die.
When I think of you, there is this calm that seeps into me,
I am flung into the heavens and blossoms any place I might be.
My little baby Manu, I always want to wake up to the sight of you,
Nothing breathes life into me like your smell can do.
I hate the end of every month. I have been hating it since I college days. Every single month. For 12 years now. 144 months of pain. I cant wait for this hate to end.
Its the time my finances touch rock bottom. I am so bloody broke that my self esteem goes and sits beside the pauper that sits in the most dirtiest corner of the most busiest street. And it clearly has nothing to do with the amount of money I have in my hands, because I stayed in the same deplorable state with Rs. 2000 monthly, to 20,000 to a lot lot more!
The theories about living the present and having no regrets tomorrow fueled my myopic and shallow view into the larger picture of planning life and I know today, at this moment, that it is not a safe path I am treading today.
I fight with my dad every time he counsels me about how I should manage my money. I tell him that I am living my life. I forget that he had a chance to do that himself, the "living the present" *lavishly* part. But he did not. For us, for our home. And I know that it was exactly why I am here, in the mouth of luxury, having anything that I want for myself, and ever since I could ask. And yet unhappy, unsettled in my mind, feeling ashamed. Those big sacrifices blow hard and make a lot of noise in my chest tonight. It rakes up my soul and literary brings me onto my knees wondering if I pushed fate and luck just too far.
I need to put things into order and take control over my bills, lest I know I am heading for trouble.
I want to wake up tomorrow in the same state of mind, and I want it to last for a long long time. I hope. I want. Badly.
Well, the answer to that questions speaks for itself.
Being a child, it is really difficult to measure which parent contributes / burns themselves to bring you up. And it clearly would be really wrong too, to judge your parents in anyway. But, as a parent bringing up your cherished one, you are in a complete position to analyse and judge how much each one of you put in.
As in our case Babi clearly is a mile ahead of me. And being where I am at the moment, I know clearly why God must have chosen women to be mothers and not men. We clearly dont have that kind of patience and care that a lady can give to her child. We have love, in equal quantities, but yet its manly impossible to match upto mothers. Babi barely has any time in her hands. All the time she has, she is feeding him, putting him to sleep, playing with him, talking to him, bathing him, wiping him, etc and when he goes off to sleep, she's washing his clothes, making a list of things she needs to buy for him, folding and arranging his belongings ~ all in perfect order and symmetrically arranged. (this is the part where she resembles Monica in FRIENDS. She has an OCD with cleanliness and arrangement).
And standing at a distance sometimes, closer at most times, I watch in wonder at this girl who soared around like a butterfly, or maybe like TinkerBell in Peter Pan, spreading happiness in her flutter transform into this gorgeous supermom, whom I look towards with the same respect I have for mine. Letting nothing ill befall her baby, staying awake to make sure her children are sound asleep, etc are attributes I've seen in my mom, and I feel blessed to see all that happening in my home as well.
The relief I get to know that my son will grow up in a similar niche that my mom had made for us, is probably the most fulfilling and happiest of spots for hope to rest.
With that, for the record, Mummy and Babi ~ I truly, TRULY love you both. So so much.
I am attaching a video I picked up online which fully explains about the craft mom's are best at ~ Loving!
Its 129 days since you have brightened up every single moment in our lives. You are 04 months and 06 days today. You have no idea how blessed and fulfilled the gone days have been. For both your mom and me.
As you know, when you were inside mom, daddy used to write more to you. Its simple to guess why. Lately, any time I get, I choose to talk directly to you and miss the chance to document all that is going through my head.
Today I want to tell you how I have been waiting to see you and your development unfurl before me.
Even from the first time I saw you as a whole, doing that super fast cycling that you picked up so early, and that which you still do, I wanted to see you all the time. I would insist to mommy to go with me and do a series of more scans, just to see what you are doing in there. She would refuse and that was the most reasonable thing to do too. Who would like to expose one's own baby to so much unwanted waves? And who better than a doctor to realise that, dont you think? But these are times when your head stops doing any thinking and your heart completely takes over. Well, the bottom of all this is that I have been worried about you a lot. I used to freak your mom out with my queries. Did he kick? Why isn't your tummy growing? Is he having some kind of growth retardation? Why isn't the belly really as huge as it should be? Should we pleaseeeee do an other scan? Did the sonologist find something abnormal in the scan which you think he isn't telling us? Why don't we recheck that? Why hasn't the pain started? Why don't we ask Amma to induce you so that the baby isn't overstaying in there? Do you want to go through the normal labor? Lets go for a Cesarean and get him out! Oh boy, as I write this, I realise how paranoid I have been.
But the funny part is that, ever since you have born, I have been worse. Right from the moment you scared us by not crying loud. Why did he not cry loud? Are they holding something we need to know about our baby from us? Why isn't he breastfeeding like other babies? Why isn't he gaining weight? Why doesn't he have hair on this scalp? Why isn't he pooping on all days? Its about time he rolled over right, then why isn't he already?
Ha ha. I am laughing at myself right now. Because at the end of all this, I have a baby who is perfectly fine and doing things as nature would have it, in the most perfect way. But I think this is the thing my dad and all other good dads I know have been doing, and have been telling me about. The dad's anxiety. Its huge I tell you. Every moment of your life from the time you become a dad, your life fully and unconditionally revolves around your baby. I for sure cannot imagine what I would be to him as he grows up. I had a pattern which I had decided that I would stick to, just to make sure that I am not the overpowering Hitler kind of dad to you, but by the sheer looks of things from then till now, you better watch out, little tyke!
That apart, you have no idea what I wouldn't give just to see that smile on your face everyday, every moment. It truly, deeply, madly makes me happy. Every single atom of my body, soul, mind. Your mother's too. And all those who love you so much. Little Manu, as I already have told you before, I have loved you much before you were born and given into my hands. And I will love you till I breath my last, and yet miss loving you long after I am gone. You are my baby. My first baby. Nothing or nobody can take that place from you. You are the person who will call me daddy for the very first time. You have changed our lives in a magnitude I can never, ever explain. Seeing you, loving you and caring for you is all that I want to do. Just that. All the time. I miss you even when I am with you, my baby. Love you, lots.
I hit the sack with the two most precious things in my life. My wife and my son. And every night I wake up from my sleep just to sit and watch these gems sleeping. This daily ritual has made me closer to His Grace and makes me strive to be a better, worthier person of the so much blessings that has been bestowed on me.
My son, my wife. The best things that has happened to me in this life are them. Life is never just existing, its truly LIVING everytime and every second I am in their presence. Pull me away from those where my heart resides and I wither like a plucked flower in the sun.
His Grace, His Love and to His Plans, we all fully and totally surrender to. And the to the love that I receive on earth, brings me to my knees.
One thing Babi craved for during her pregnancy was Chicken Pasta. She never got tired of it. I mean, how many times have you heard somebody telling you about such a craving ever before? But that was hers. And she would not settle for anything other than the one I cooked for her. We tried a variety of places, but none actually satisfied her palate. So I cooked pasta at least 5 times a week and nothing ever went waste, as she would have the left overs for breakfast and the remaining for lunch!!
I am so glad that we had her sister staying with us and she would help me in chopping the vegetables.
Let me share quickly with you the recipe I used often. Its simple and keeping the basic framework in place, you could try various new styles too. Also, most importantly, this is the first time I am trying to compose a cooking recipe. So please ignore if it sounds funny. Here we go :
1.Pasta : 1 packet 500gms serves 06 gluttons easily. (I personally like to use fusilli, and brand : Andalini)
2.Chicken : ½ kg. Cut into small cubes, or you could also use chopped sausages (it saves time)
3.Vegetables : You can use all that you like. I use carrots, capsicum and occasionally broccoli. Just a half more than a cup full, including everything. You could also add a bit of spinach. It tastes good too.
4.Eggs : 02
5.Onions : 03 big, finely chopped.
6.Tomatoes : 02. Finely chopped.
7.Ginger garlic paste : 3 tablespoons.
8.Blackpepper powder : 1 teaspoon.
9.Fresh cream : 500ml.
10.Salt to taste.
12.Chilli sause : I tablespoon
13.Soya sause : 1 teaspoon
14.Hot sause : 1 teaspoon
1.Take a large bowl. Put the pasta in it. And pour water to fully submerge the pasta and stop when the water level is a bit above it. Sprinkle some salt and add a dash of olive oil. (Olive oil makes sure the pasta don’t stick to each other and the salt adds to the taste by not making it feel bland)
2.Cook the same for ten minutes on moderate flame and stop the flame and allow it to cook in the vessel with the lid placed for an other ten minutes.
3.Meanwhile, take a pan and pour olive oil into it. Shallow fry the chicken cubes for half a minute and remove it from flame. While you are doing that you can also add to the flavour by adding some oregano or basil leaves on to it. But this is just an add on.
4.Scramble the eggs and keep aside.
5.Shallow fry the onions in olive oil, and to that add the vegetables, ginger garlic paste, salt and black pepper.
6.When they have cooked, into goes the chicken and the scrambled egg.
7.Add the sauces into this now.
8.Once the ten minutes are up, see if the pasta is cooked fully and remove it into a strainer and wash with cold water and allow it to drain.
9.Take the large bowl again and pour a dash of olive oil. Into that goes the mixture you’ve made.
10.To that add the fresh crème and stir thoroughly.
11.Just about when the crème is cooked and hot, put the pasta into it and mix thoroughly till all ingredients are mixed well.
12.Cook on low flame for about 3 minutes and you are ready to serve.
13.You could garnish it with some grated cheese and broccoli and it really brings out the flavour.
At the end what you get is a nice and creamy chicken pasta and yes, it does taste quite good.
So when you have the time and mood to try something out in your kitchen, this is a dish you should, because the chances for it to goof up is minimal and also, it requires less cooking time.
And for expecting daddy’s similar conditions like mine , this recipe can literally save you.
Murals have always facinated me. And some day, I wish to learn to do it myself. Taking the first step here using pencils. What's below is how it turned out to be. Not too bad for a first timer, I think. No?
Yes, people do say that we really don't need any special day to celebrate a relationship that we treasure. I disagree. How difficult is it to take a day out from our busy routines for our special ones just to let them know how special it is to have them in our lives and how positively blessed we are for the same? Valentines day, Father's, Mother's, Friend's, Sibling's day, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Festivals - I celebrate them all. Who cares if these are tricks by some card companies and food chains to boost their sales? I say they are doing a fantastic job. In a age when life is always on fourth gear with no time to call/spend with the ones you care - these special days that come only a year need to be celebrated and cherished.
Having said that, dear wife, my lady, Babi - Thank you. For loving and believing in me like no one has ever done before. I feel utterly privileged to have you in my life. Let our love know no bounds. ♥
Yesterday I woke up from my sleep suddenly in the night because I thought Manu had woken up and was tossing in bed. But when I looked, he was still deep asleep, but was just changing his position in his bassinet.
I looked at the time. It was 05:00 in the morning and still dark outside. As I lay down, tucking myself back in bed, I rolled over to see the most beautiful miracles in my life lying just next to me. I got up, took the bed lamp in my hand and brought it closer to the mother and child to see their faces clearly. With no exaggeration, I felt as if there lay a fairy with an angel lying next to her. What a beautiful sight that was. I wanted to rush and grab my camera and capture every detail of it. But the sight was so overwhelming to me that I could not move my eyes that were so fixed onto them and I was anxious that the moment might pass by the time I came back with the camera.
Even as I write about that night, I can feel the goose-flesh active on my body. That state of tranquil trans lasted for a while. Then, as my hands started to ache, I put down the lamp after fully absorbing that moment by my eyes, and soaking that memory into my heart.
How lucky I am to have these gems in my life. My wife. My baby.
I fell at once onto my knees to thank the Power above who makes these small miracles happen in our lives and adds onto our pocketful of memories.
I've waited for this role for long and I had gotten here long before I actually was. But actually being here has given a whole new meaning to the phrase - being daddy, and also its clear to me how pregnant with meaning it actually is.
I've seen and heard how people associate bringing up the baby with sleepless nights and aching arms from carrying them repeatedly. How often I hear - "it's the end of your happy days", etc. But many a time we tend to forget about this blessing that is in our arms. That piece of flesh and bones that is completely and fully yours and who will carry forward your name in the days to come, whether he likes it or not. One clean, clear slate that is completely up to you to fill. With happiness, with wisdom, with love, with compassion, with humility, with fear and trust in God, and with so much more that you thought would keep your life in balance, in harmony. How overwhelming it is when you realise that your child might some day rule the world or destroy it. And how then the way you brought him up would completely matter.
For me, it is this that makes me shaky in my knee and brings me closest to humility. That fear of filling that slate with just the right things and nothing wrong. From mere-human, not-so-perfect, ordinary person like myself, how much of a miracle can I expect, I wonder.
I just hope I am doing my job right. I really want to.
Sometimes you might be part of the best team, but that one bad apple (read as ass-hole) can spoil the entire fun.
Like today for instance. I so much want to take his name and feel happy to hear from all the people whom he has ever met or interacted with ever in his lifetime that he has always been one jerk, but I just dont want to be so rude and personal. Doing that might bring me closer to his way of operation and thinking - that which I am not.
But it is beyond me to just sit there and watch them spilling poison and watching it mess peoples lives. But it is also not a great idea to make this affect my own life and feel miserable. No? Yes? I dont know.
But one thing that's true - I am truly so damn pissed!!
One phrase that is so often
misused in normal day-to-day parlance is “Don’t you trust me?”
So I am forced to accept as true
that anyone who uses it might be influenced beyond doubt what it means. With
that objective I asked many of my friends what ‘trust’ means to them. Says
Ankush, 26, “Trust is when someone will not betray you”. Sunil, 33, thinks - “Trust
is something between a husband and wife”. Rohit, 22, on the other hand feels
that Trust is the “ability to trust someone fully”. The more I probed the more characterizations I
got for the same word and I am persuaded that Trust is a very subjective word.
That brings to the forefront the
question – What does the word TRUST really mean?
Well, like all above, trust has
always meant different things to me depending on the situation, for a long
time. Suffices to say, it did and not anymore. For me, trust is about
empowering a person. That total and complete submission of your inner-core to
that one person whom you know will never go easy on you. That unflinching
understanding that can effortlessly withstand the shock of time and person. That
unconditional faith that no one can poison you against. That is trust to me.
It’s the same trust that would not make one believe anything against that
person, no matter how convincing it might sound, chock-full with occurrences
and examples and references. It’s the same trust that can empower you to stand
up for your friend/family/lover. It’s the same trust that makes one’s life
beautiful, meaningful and worth living for. It’s the same trust that sees us
blooming through every single day. It’s that trust that we share, that we know
is the most sacred. That is the golden thread that makes the fabric of trust in
And if I know you trust me, I’ll do anything to give the same and more
and if you break mine, I won’t
throw stones or stab with words,
I wonder if you have read about what Babi and I had written about our siblings before we got married.
If no, or yes - but with a muffled memory, click here : Babitha & Shibu - Wedding Website.
Well, my point (apart from showing off our potential in making that beautiful site, in a time when these kind of facilities were new and scarce) is that we truly are blessed.
We found love, understanding and support in these two characters. In a world where everything is tainted and tarnished, we have with us these two siblings who can call a spade a spade and yet be with us through all the highs and lows that life has to offer.
Sometimes I have this overwhelming feeling thinking about the many affectionate things they both have done individually or with their spouses to bring a big smile on our faces yet every time I sit down to document that, it fizzes away like champagne bubbles. Not because I forget about it, but as I recap those events, every single event is like a happy movie - running down in front my eyes and I lose the mood to write.
So, I just want to put into record that Babi and I are the most luckiest and happiest to have the bestEST siblings that one could wish for in the whole wide world. And thank you both of you, for being the perfect examples for what a brother or sister should really be, and being our life-long support and entertainment network. And most importantly for being there. Even when the whole world have turned their backs. Always, and every time.
Yesterday, there was a guest in our tent. My tent-mate, Mohit’s
batch mate he was. While we caught up on various things, we touched the topic-
family. Suddenly, my tentie (Def: If room-mate is roomie, then tent-mate is
tentie, no?) confessed something that makes me write today. He said – “after I
read sir’s blog, I want to have babies too. And that coming from me – from
someone who wants to delay that as much as possible.”
I responded – “it is one of the best things that happened to
me and I am sure it’ll be the same for you.” And then I realised that it gives
no justice to what I actually wanted to convey.
When I count the priceless blessings in my life, there is a
special place that my family consumes. And that also happens to be the major
part of the pie. My wife, my parents, my brother, my in-laws, my son, my pets,
my friends, and every bit of each one of them.
If my words can bring this influence to someone who has read
it, I can’t imagine how transformed he would be after he has a glimpse of what
I truly feel and what goes on inside my head and heart in relation to things I
have written, and that I yet have to. Sometimes, many times ,words fail to
fully express what we actually feel. Words cannot fully live up to narrate the
moment that we lived or the feeling we are living. And we write, and re-write
and think and feel helpless fishing for that one word that can fully explain
our state. That word which could put detail to our “flung into the heavens”
kind of feeling.
But sometimes, I think, it is also important to just feel
all that in that secret place inside of you. Protected. Treasured. Pampered.
Because that pocketful of feelings is what is yours and will always be – till
the end of time, even after you can talk or write no more. That feeling that is
yours and that which you can’t explain – sigh!
(PS: And it is with reason why I call Babi my heart-keeper.
Because to her I don’t need to write or tell any of the matters of the heart.
She just knows. And she knows it all.)