Thursday, February 28, 2013

Day 129

Dearest lil Manu,

Its 129 days since you have brightened up every single moment in our lives. You are 04 months and 06 days today. You have no idea how blessed and fulfilled the gone days have been. For both your mom and me.

As you know, when you were inside mom, daddy used to write more to you. Its simple to guess why. Lately, any time I get, I choose to talk directly to you and miss the chance to document all that is going through my head.

Today I want to tell you how I have been waiting to see you and your development unfurl before me.

Even from the first time I saw you as a whole, doing that super fast cycling that you picked up so early, and that which you still do, I wanted to see you all the time. I would insist to mommy to go with me and do a series of more scans, just to see what you are doing in there. She would refuse and that was the most reasonable thing to do too. Who would like to expose one's own baby to so much unwanted waves? And who better than a doctor to realise that, dont you think? But these are times when your head stops doing any thinking and your heart completely takes over. Well, the bottom of all this is that I have been worried about you a lot. I used to freak your mom out with my queries. Did he kick? Why isn't your tummy growing? Is he having some kind of growth retardation? Why isn't the belly really as huge as it should be? Should we pleaseeeee do an other scan? Did the sonologist find something abnormal in the scan which you think he isn't telling us? Why don't we recheck that? Why hasn't the pain started? Why don't we ask Amma to induce you so that the baby isn't overstaying in there? Do you want to go through the normal labor? Lets go for a Cesarean and get him out! Oh boy, as I write this, I realise how paranoid I have been.

Little Manu
But the funny part is that, ever since you have born, I have been worse. Right from the moment you scared us by not crying loud. Why did he not cry loud? Are they holding something we need to know about our baby from us? Why isn't he breastfeeding like other babies? Why isn't he gaining weight? Why doesn't he have hair on this scalp? Why isn't he pooping on all days? Its about time he rolled over right, then why isn't he already?

Ha ha. I am laughing at myself right now. Because at the end of all this, I have a baby who is perfectly fine and doing things as nature would have it, in the most perfect way. But I think this is the thing my dad and all other good dads I know have been doing, and have been telling me about. The dad's anxiety. Its huge I tell you. Every moment of your life from the time you become a dad, your life fully and unconditionally revolves around your baby. I for sure cannot imagine what I would be to him as he grows up. I had a pattern which I had decided that I would stick to, just to make sure that I am not the overpowering Hitler kind of dad to you, but by the sheer looks of things from then till now, you better watch out, little tyke!

That apart, you have no idea what I wouldn't give just to see that smile on your face everyday, every moment. It truly, deeply, madly makes me happy. Every single atom of my body, soul, mind. Your mother's too. And all those who love you so much. Little Manu, as I already have told you before, I have loved you much before you were born and given into my hands. And I will love you till I breath my last, and yet miss loving you long after I am gone. You are my baby. My first baby. Nothing or nobody can take that place from you. You are the person who will call me daddy for the very first time. You have changed our lives in a magnitude I can never, ever explain. Seeing you, loving you and caring for you is all that I want to do. Just that. All the time. I miss you even when I am with you, my baby. Love you, lots.



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