Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In loving memory of a friend far away...


I have been trying to forget something that I also never want to forget, for a long time. But then, memories are weird, aren’t they? They surface at a time when you are least expecting them, and leave you sore and bleeding yet again, even after all these years...

I really cant remember what started the discussion with a friend about Denny, a friend who is just a fond memory for me today. I think its the strange similarity I see between the both of them in many ways. I think so. I think its that, but I cant be too sure. But the fact is that the memory has surfaced and its made me really uneasy. Again.

I hate to remember the night Denny slipped the stairs that lead to the terrace and bled to his end. I still remember him lying right there immersed in his own blood and friends rushing him to the hospital only to know it was too late and that he had already breathed his last. The entire college flocked at the ICU to see the remains of the person they only had good memories with. But I did not go. I did not want to see him lying there – cold and lifeless. I wasn’t strong enough then, and I wonder if I would be strong enough at all to face this reality, ever.

I remember the time we hanged out for the first time when we were just freshers in medical school. A strange chemistry it was, the one that we shared. We just clicked right away. I mean, isn’t it rare to find someone who thinks exactly like you. That you just look at something and you can bet that you know what the other person must have thought. And that it would be the same. Well, that was what it was with Denny. But the good times did not stay long, and we separated and tread separate ways. Made new friends and our territories never intersected. And we moved on. But somewhere during the walk, I knew I wanted to talk to him, and wanted to clear things, but ego isn’t something we can let lose so easily, isn’t it.

Death. That changes a lot, doesn’t it? It changes your perspective, your outlook about a situation, a person, everything.

After he died, it was like a part of me died with him. A part that took a long long time to regenerate and that which I know today is just a myth because when I think about him the pain and the longing is still the same. The very same as it was 7 years ago.

I started off writing this entry with the idea of telling the world as to what fantastic person Denny was, and the amazing human being he should have been, being what he was. But its like I cant go any further. The thoughts, when they become overwhealming, I get stuck. Frozen. Lifeless. Like now. Like then.

I don’t like this. I don’t like to know that he is no more. Still. I don’t like to know that I can never ever tell him that which I always wanted to. I don’t like that he left his closest friends in a sorrow that they would never surface from. I don’t like that the void his absence left his family would never fill. I don’t like the fact that I cant change anything inspite of praying so much to change that one day in his life. I don’t like that the only reality that we have is now, and tomo is just a distant dream, an illusion, a modern myth. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.

Dude, where ever you are, I just want to tell you that there are still people here far away from you, hoping that you were right here, with us, to share the madness. Know also that you will forever be missed. Peace to the soul.

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