Summer Blues

Not, the blues as such. But more that summery blue which some days fills up your entire head and sweats you down to your toes. It's not sadness, but rather, it's reflection. It's a little weary at times, but nothing a good book and a chilly cocktail cannot remedy...

I cannot express how sorry I am for being so quiet here of late. I'm sort of here, but not really - reading blogs like a lurker - not commenting, just absorbing... Not giving back to my faithful friends for their efforts and heartfelt accounts of life and living. But I shall no more be this way.

I feel this summer has thrown me into a world of unknowns, some exciting, and some a little frightening. Or all a little of both.

One thing I can assure myself and you of, is that I am growing. I am challenging myself to be braver and bolder than ever. I may feel a little cocooned at present, but I am nearly ready for blooming.

Like the wintery twigs,
which seem lifeless and still,
inside are growing,
and plotting pink blossoms
for the spring.

Friendship day is here again!

Gosh, here it is again. Friendships day I remember was such a riot back in college. Phew...popularity used to be judged by the number of friendship bands one sported. I used to join the competition too, and it was so much fun having to get friendship bands tied, from even the most indiscreet, talked-to-never person in the college. Because it was all about the numbers. It really did not matter who tied what, but the numbers, yes - thats what it was about.
How things change over a period of time. I hardly remember most of the people who tied those bands to me once, I also dont remember many I tied to. Many to whom I said that this is going to be a bond for ever never talk to me anymore and many who said we are BFF (best friends for ever) have taken different paths, ones that wouldnt ever meet. I dont even know if I missed my chance to know somebody to whom this meant something while they tied it and I also dont know if some very dear friends then still remember how it was to meet up and celebrate friendship on the first Sunday of every August.
Hmmm.. I know I miss some of them. But I am not sure if I would try hard and find out where they were and what they did and how to get to them. I just like to think about them and feel happy about the good times shared. Some of those relationships ended really bad, and it still pains to think of the time we broke the chains. But those were needed then and I cant complain. But at moments like this, I feel a definite palpable void in my life that their absence has made. I somehow just want to know that they all are doing fine out there, somewhere.
Well, hopelessly sentimental already...so I need to stop right here. Happy weekend and Happy frienship day y'all. Have a memorable one.

A pause from the summer heat

when you are feeling blue
(as sometimes we do)

find a short moment

to be as a shimmer tree

from your top-head
to your toes

flap flare and flash
bend arch and plume
shim shake and shiver

let leaves fall
and new buds grow

sing with the breeze,
howl with the wind,
cry with the rain,
smile with the sun

for a short moment
if you can,
put off that which binds
your heart

and shimmer

In the arms of an angel

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough?
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort her

So I lied.

I'll do maybe a book review tomorrow. In the meantime, however, a Frenchdoc sends me the following student anecdote, which is so gobsmackingly awesome that it makes up, I think, for the sad dearth of "the things students say!" type posts since I went on leave. And yes, my fellow workers swears this is a true story.

Frenchdoc: Can I help you?
Student: yes, I need advising regarding a couple of sociology classes.
F: I can certainly help you with that. What were you looking for exactly?
S: I need to know the difference between soc 1120 and soc 2220.
F: Soc 1120 is about (follows lengthy explanation of what soc 1120 is about) and soc 2220 is about (follows lengthy explanation of what soc 2220 is about)
S: I need to take the one that's gonna help with my job and my problem
F: What's your job and what's your problem?
S: I'm assistant manager at a software company and I discriminate against women
F: That's a not a nice thing to do. Why do you do that?
S: Because other women discriminate against me: they won't date me. So, if women won't date me and discriminate against me, I have the right to discriminate the women I work with
F: you mean, because you can't find a date, you think you're entitled to take it out on the women you work with?
S: yes, especially since I can't make them date me either and if I tried to force them, then, they'd accuse me of sexual harassment
F: and they would be right
S: then I have a question: don't I have a right to sex as much as to food, as a basic human right?
F: no
S: but it's the same
F: no it's not, food and sex are different things: no food, you die; no sex, you might get grouchy but you don't die. Certain religious orders, as with monks or nuns, take vows of chastity and it doesn't kill them. Also, you exercising your right to food does not necessarily involve the exploitation of another human being. your supposed right to sex would involve the sexual exploitation of another person. You can't hurt another person in pursuing your rights or freedom
S: ok then, but we have the right to free speech, that means we're exposed to speech that hurts us.
F: another bad analogy: you can avoid speech that is offensive to you: stop reading, turn off the TV or radio, shut down the computer. There is no comparison between hearing stuff you don't like and being used a sexual object by someone else.
S: do you think 50 years from now, we'll have a basic human right to sex?
F: no
S: but black people used to be slaves here, and now they're not, so, things can change
F: this analogy is so wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to start: you can't compare your situation to slavery. You're not being exploited by anyone, you're just not getting dates. On the contrary, you want the right to exploit someone else, which goes against the very basic notion of human rights. You might want to take an ethics class!
S: oh, ethics is my favorite subject!
F: Also, get it out of your head that you're being discriminated against, you're not. Not finding dates is not discrimination. If I don't like green beans, I don't eat them. That's not discrimination, just taste. Dating is a skill. In addition to certain physical endowments, social and interpersonal skills are necessary and can be learned. And as in education, some students are better than others. Certainly, proclaiming sexism and a right to sexual access is probably not an endearing trait on the dating scene! THe good news is that this stuff can be learned.
S: but learning takes time, what do I do in the meantime?
F: you can try dating men (smiles brightly, proud of herself here)
S: you're saying men are gay because women won't date them? Is that why some men are gay?
F: NO... (follows lengthy explanation on the state of biological and social research on homosexuality, none of which involves men being gay because of these nasty women who won't date them)
S: oh. ok. I have another question for you then
F: yes?
S: why aren't women successful?
F: one, you'd have to define success, and two, women ARE successful but (follows length cross-cultural explanation on ideological and structural sexism that limit women's achievements in education, the professions, politics, etc.)
S: is there a book you can recommend that would help me solve my problem?
F: I don't think there is such a book
S: can I come and talk to you again if I need to?
F: sure (sinking feeling)
S: thanks a lot for your time
F: you're welcome

BAH!!

I'm in a mood of late. And my fucking Yahoo mail won't actually send any of the emails I write--it just grinds and grinds forever, *saying* it's sending, but the messages don't turn up in my sent folder. Maybe it's just having problems writing to the folder. I dunno. Has anyone gotten any email from me in the last couple of days? Or do I have to go rewrite every damn email from my gmail account? Grr.

Am still hung up on the tax saving thing my friends are doing. Dithering. It seems so decadent, and yet at the same time, it also seems less decadent than spending an equivalent amount of money on crap we don't actually need, which probably we do every month between Target and grocery store snacks and bicycle shorts, etc. I hate making these decisions. I have a serious hangup about responsibility for finance management.

Also Babi's been sick for two days with a bad sore throat and much snuffling and wheezing, and I'm probably about to go into my bad mood, which always makes me feel depressed and exhausted for a day or two.

Bah.

How much hurt is it anyway?

How much hurt will you be when you get hurt because someone close to you was insensitive to you? How much more hurt will you be if they did not even realise they hurt you? And which hurt will hurt you more?

Doesn’t it also hurt when you had to pretend that you were not hurt by the actions of that person. Doesn’t it also hurt when you think that you wished they would ask for forgiveness for that one act of theirs that hurt you? Doesn’t it hurt to know that it’s become more of a routine for them now- to turn deaf to the sounds of your heart. Doesn’t it hurt to think all that you are compromising for is actually going in vain, because the other person just doesn’t get it? Doesn’t that hurt you way too bad? It does, doesn’t it?