Day 150

Dearest lil Manu,

You are exactly 150 days today. And that calculates to 150 days / 3600 hours / 21600 precious minutes of being with you, in your company, loving you, caring for you, praying, staying awake, happy, humbled and blessed, only because of you.

I wake up to the sight of you,

Nothing breathes life into me like your smell can do.

Your bright big eyes show me the world,

The world that I can help change, giving them you.

In your eyes, I see a hope so bright,

A light that has illuminated my soul with divine insight.

When you hold my fingers with your tiny fingers,

I sense that trust that'll only better like timber.

When you coo at me, my heart skips a beat,

My soul dances and my life never felt so complete.

When you cry, and tears roll down your eye,

It feels like I am bursting inside and I could die.

When I think of you, there is this calm that seeps into me,

I am flung into the heavens and blossoms any place I might be.

My little baby Manu, I always want to wake up to the sight of you,

Nothing breathes life into me like your smell can do.

Love,

Acchu.

Mother Love.

How often have you heard the term 'Father Love'?

How often have you heard the term 'Mother Love'?

Well, the answer to that questions speaks for itself.

Being a child, it is really difficult to measure which parent contributes / burns themselves to bring you up. And it clearly would be really wrong too, to judge your parents in anyway. But, as a parent bringing up your cherished one, you are in a complete position to analyse and judge how much each one of you put in.

As in our case Babi clearly is a mile ahead of me. And being where I am at the moment, I know clearly why God must have chosen women to be mothers and not men. We clearly dont have that kind of patience and care that a lady can give to her child. We have love, in equal quantities, but yet its manly impossible to match upto mothers. Babi barely has any time in her hands. All the time she has, she is feeding him, putting him to sleep, playing with him, talking to him, bathing him, wiping him, etc and when he goes off to sleep, she's washing his clothes, making a list of things she needs to buy for him, folding and arranging his belongings ~ all in perfect order and symmetrically arranged. (this is the part where she resembles Monica in FRIENDS. She has an OCD with cleanliness and arrangement).

And standing at a distance sometimes, closer at most times, I watch in wonder at this girl who soared around like a butterfly, or maybe like TinkerBell in Peter Pan, spreading happiness in her flutter transform into this gorgeous supermom, whom I look towards with the same respect I have for mine. Letting nothing ill befall her baby, staying awake to make sure her children are sound asleep, etc are attributes I've seen in my mom, and I feel blessed to see all that happening in my home as well.

The relief I get to know that my son will grow up in a similar niche that my mom had made for us, is probably the most fulfilling and happiest of spots for hope to rest.

With that, for the record, Mummy and Babi ~ I truly, TRULY love you both. So so much.

I am attaching a video I picked up online which fully explains about the craft mom's are best at ~ Loving!

Day 129

Dearest lil Manu,

Its 129 days since you have brightened up every single moment in our lives. You are 04 months and 06 days today. You have no idea how blessed and fulfilled the gone days have been. For both your mom and me.

As you know, when you were inside mom, daddy used to write more to you. Its simple to guess why. Lately, any time I get, I choose to talk directly to you and miss the chance to document all that is going through my head.

Today I want to tell you how I have been waiting to see you and your development unfurl before me.

Even from the first time I saw you as a whole, doing that super fast cycling that you picked up so early, and that which you still do, I wanted to see you all the time. I would insist to mommy to go with me and do a series of more scans, just to see what you are doing in there. She would refuse and that was the most reasonable thing to do too. Who would like to expose one's own baby to so much unwanted waves? And who better than a doctor to realise that, dont you think? But these are times when your head stops doing any thinking and your heart completely takes over. Well, the bottom of all this is that I have been worried about you a lot. I used to freak your mom out with my queries. Did he kick? Why isn't your tummy growing? Is he having some kind of growth retardation? Why isn't the belly really as huge as it should be? Should we pleaseeeee do an other scan? Did the sonologist find something abnormal in the scan which you think he isn't telling us? Why don't we recheck that? Why hasn't the pain started? Why don't we ask Amma to induce you so that the baby isn't overstaying in there? Do you want to go through the normal labor? Lets go for a Cesarean and get him out! Oh boy, as I write this, I realise how paranoid I have been.

Little Manu

But the funny part is that, ever since you have born, I have been worse. Right from the moment you scared us by not crying loud. Why did he not cry loud? Are they holding something we need to know about our baby from us? Why isn't he breastfeeding like other babies? Why isn't he gaining weight? Why doesn't he have hair on this scalp? Why isn't he pooping on all days? Its about time he rolled over right, then why isn't he already?

Ha ha. I am laughing at myself right now. Because at the end of all this, I have a baby who is perfectly fine and doing things as nature would have it, in the most perfect way. But I think this is the thing my dad and all other good dads I know have been doing, and have been telling me about. The dad's anxiety. Its huge I tell you. Every moment of your life from the time you become a dad, your life fully and unconditionally revolves around your baby. I for sure cannot imagine what I would be to him as he grows up. I had a pattern which I had decided that I would stick to, just to make sure that I am not the overpowering Hitler kind of dad to you, but by the sheer looks of things from then till now, you better watch out, little tyke!

That apart, you have no idea what I wouldn't give just to see that smile on your face everyday, every moment. It truly, deeply, madly makes me happy. Every single atom of my body, soul, mind. Your mother's too. And all those who love you so much. Little Manu, as I already have told you before, I have loved you much before you were born and given into my hands. And I will love you till I breath my last, and yet miss loving you long after I am gone. You are my baby. My first baby. Nothing or nobody can take that place from you. You are the person who will call me daddy for the very first time. You have changed our lives in a magnitude I can never, ever explain. Seeing you, loving you and caring for you is all that I want to do. Just that. All the time. I miss you even when I am with you, my baby. Love you, lots.

Yours,

Daddy.

Absolute bliss.

Yesterday I woke up from my sleep suddenly in the night because I thought Manu had woken up and was tossing in bed. But when I looked, he was still deep asleep, but was just changing his position in his bassinet.

I looked at the time. It was 05:00 in the morning and still dark outside. As I lay down, tucking myself back in bed, I rolled over to see the most beautiful miracles in my life lying just next to me. I got up, took the bed lamp in my hand and brought it closer to the mother and child to see their faces clearly. With no exaggeration, I felt as if there lay a fairy with an angel lying next to her. What a beautiful sight that was. I wanted to rush and grab my camera and capture every detail of it. But the sight was so overwhelming to me that I could not move my eyes that were so fixed onto them and I was anxious that the moment might pass by the time I came back with the camera.

Even as I write about that night, I can feel the goose-flesh active on my body. That state of tranquil trans lasted for a while. Then, as my hands started to ache, I put down the lamp after fully absorbing that moment by my eyes, and soaking that memory into my heart.

How lucky I am to have these gems in my life. My wife. My baby.

I fell at once onto my knees to thank the Power above who makes these small miracles happen in our lives and adds onto our pocketful of memories.

Life of a daddy.

I've waited for this role for long and I had gotten here long before I actually was. But actually being here has given a whole new meaning to the phrase - being daddy, and also its clear to me how pregnant with meaning it actually is.

I've seen and heard how people associate bringing up the baby with sleepless nights and aching arms from carrying them repeatedly. How often I hear - "it's the end of your happy days", etc. But many a time we tend to forget about this blessing that is in our arms. That piece of flesh and bones that is completely and fully yours and who will carry forward your name in the days to come, whether he likes it or not. One clean, clear slate that is completely up to you to fill. With happiness, with wisdom, with love, with compassion, with humility, with fear and trust in God, and with so much more that you thought would keep your life in balance, in harmony. How overwhelming it is when you realise that your child might some day rule the world or destroy it. And how then the way you brought him up would completely matter.

For me, it is this that makes me shaky in my knee and brings me closest to humility. That fear of filling that slate with just the right things and nothing wrong. From mere-human, not-so-perfect, ordinary person like myself, how much of a miracle can I expect, I wonder.

I just hope I am doing my job right. I really want to.

When words cant express.

Yesterday, there was a guest in our tent. My tent-mate, Mohit’s batch mate he was. While we caught up on various things, we touched the topic- family. Suddenly, my tentie (Def: If room-mate is roomie, then tent-mate is tentie, no?) confessed something that makes me write today. He said – “after I read sir’s blog, I want to have babies too. And that coming from me – from someone who wants to delay that as much as possible.”

I responded – “it is one of the best things that happened to me and I am sure it’ll be the same for you.” And then I realised that it gives no justice to what I actually wanted to convey.

When I count the priceless blessings in my life, there is a special place that my family consumes. And that also happens to be the major part of the pie. My wife, my parents, my brother, my in-laws, my son, my pets, my friends, and every bit of each one of them.

If my words can bring this influence to someone who has read it, I can’t imagine how transformed he would be after he has a glimpse of what I truly feel and what goes on inside my head and heart in relation to things I have written, and that I yet have to. Sometimes, many times ,words fail to fully express what we actually feel. Words cannot fully live up to narrate the moment that we lived or the feeling we are living. And we write, and re-write and think and feel helpless fishing for that one word that can fully explain our state. That word which could put detail to our “flung into the heavens” kind of feeling.

But sometimes, I think, it is also important to just feel all that in that secret place inside of you. Protected. Treasured. Pampered. Because that pocketful of feelings is what is yours and will always be – till the end of time, even after you can talk or write no more. That feeling that is yours and that which you can’t explain – sigh!

(PS: And it is with reason why I call Babi my heart-keeper. Because to her I don’t need to write or tell any of the matters of the heart. She just knows. And she knows it all.)

Hello there!!

Hi everyone.

Its been a long break for me. Been busy with a million things. But all amazing and totally worth it. These last days I got to spend with my son - the BEST in the world.

So many news to share - shall do all that, maybe back-dated. And thanks for writing and asking about new posts. It was great to read.

For that one question somebody (anonymous) send "Don't see any more posts? Has life ended post-parenting?". Well, here is your answer - I think my life has just begun.

Will be writing soon, about all that I missed telling all of you, starting today.

Love and luck,

Me.

38 Weeks = The Grand Finale.

What a great finale!! Vihaan is finally here - My baby is here!

At exactly 38 weeks, Babi and I are parents. 

Its surprising how we all dread about the delivery and when it comes and goes, you realize that it isn't as hard as you thought it would be. Atleast, so was our case.

After a really nice meal yesterday, Babi and I went off to sleep. Just before we slept, her mom told us that she was more than a finger dilated and she would deliver soon. As I had already mentioned in my last blog post, I had been frustrated. I wanted to see my baby - NOW! Babi told me to hold my horses and wait. And that's what I did.

0830hrs: Babi feels a bit of contractions. She says it wasnt the "real" contractions, but there is an increased force.

0845hrs: Amma checks her and finds out that she is 3cms dilated already and says we need to rush her to the hospital (Moulana Hospital) and the baby should be out by evening, considering that its her first delivery.

0930hrs: Babi is taken to the labor room and I am called saying that we will have the baby soon.

0945hrs: I reach the hospital and rush to the labor room.

1030hrs: The contractions have become stronger and Babi has shooting pain down on her back towards her thighs. Still, situation under control.

1050hrs: Contractions have become stronger. She's been dilated to 8cms already. Amma, who was then taking her rounds in the ward was called into the labor room immediately. Nitrous Oxide gas started for analgesia.

1055hrs: Amma is in the labor room and see's that Babi is nearly 10cms dilated and the time has finally come to receive my boy.

1125hrs: Babi is fully dilated and has been asked to push hard with every contraction. Babi stops taking the N20 gas saying that its choking her throat.

1130hrs: All doctors (6) from anesthesiologists to neonatologists to Amma's colleagues are all in the labor room to support Babi.

1133hrs: There is a sudden dip in the fetal heart sound. Amma in panicky. She suspects that the child is in respiratory distress.

1134hrs: Vaccum is applied and fundal pressure is given.

1135hrs: Baby is out. Vihaan is born. Cried as soon as the head was out. But then he went blue scaring the shit out of me - but he gained breathing movements soon, and is healthy.

1140hrs: I call daddy and mummy and cry loud like a baby - told him "Daddy, Babi has delivered the most cutest baby boy". Daddy was so jubilant that he could barely breathe. 

1145hrs: General happiness. Peace sets in.

So, contrary to everyone's thoughts who never knew that Babi could tolerate so much pain and deliver a baby, she did. And she did it bravely.

Thanks to her, thanks to Amma, thanks to the Almighty - we are all so blessed to have Vihaan in our arms today - as the pioneer of the next generation in both our families.

He's finally HERE!!!

Dear all!!

We are proud to announce the arrival of our baby boy. He arrived at 1135 hrs today weighing an amazing 3.4 Kgs in a vaccum delivery.

So make way for our cherished one - VIHAAN SHIBU. He's here to rock the world - my rockstar!

37+ weeks

Babi hates to pose for pics anymore. 

Dearest lil champ,

So you’ve started showing the true colours of being a scorpio huh? Stubborn.  All this while you scared us by showing signs of coming out pre-maturely and now when it is actually the time, you are taking it easy and hanging deep inside there huh? I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to leave that cozy world, the world in which you are so close to your mom’s heart and come into this world where there is so much to deal with.

There is no match to your world here, but there is daddy in here too. I will iron all those creases on your path and give you the shade and warmth that you require, all in excess. And why to worry when you get to be with mom too all you want. Also, you get to see your chachu and maasi and your grandpa and grannys. They are so so excited to see you. You’ll get to see one of your granny probably before you see anyone of us, because she is the one who is going to conduct your mom’s labor in the labor room. And you have so many wonderful aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, so many people who are praying that you come out into our world, healthy and handsome – to take all our lives by storm.

Come, come, come baby… Papa cant wait any further. Are you convinced or need I more?

Love,

Accha.

36+ weeks

Babi : Please stop punching me baby..

Dearest cup-cake,

Today I heard your heart-beats through my stethoscope.  It was such a great feeling. I feel the right word is – liberating. Beating at such a fast pace, as if telling me that you are waiting to come out and meet the both of us. And its likewise baby – cos everytime we perceive a movement or a kick, our heart races with joy too.

When its time for you to draw those curtains and finally see us, you’ll see two loving hearts amidst many others, two hearts to whom your existence have meant the world, two hearts who have counted each minute and measured each milestone of your growth inside, two hearts for whom nothing means more than having you in our lives – two hearts you’ll call Accha and Mamma.

We love you baby. Come soon. Cant wait.

Love,

Pa.

Dad's Pregnancy Symptoms

Dearest honey-bun,

How are you doing today my baby love? By the way the mommy darlings tummy is growing, I am sure you are growing up just right. What more can make a daddy happy I wonder.

The whole world talks about mother's pregnancy symptoms and what it takes to be a mother. I agree with that because they go through a LOT through the pregnancy, and nothing in the world can match or take away the importance and privilege of being a mom. But one other person goes through a lot, atleast almost, through these nine months - the dad-to-be.

Eating, Drinking, Swelling like a raisin

For me, it wasn't that tough. I had dreamed of being here even before I got here. That's a whole other story altogether, but my point is - I've got some weird symptoms too. Ok, I know that this freaks you out as much as it freaks me out to write this to you - but there it is. Wide in the open.

Of-late I feel my tummy is increasing in size as well. I have weird symptoms like gastritis and constipation and weight gain, nausea, insomnia, and mood swings. I checked up the internet for reasons because I was too ashamed of discussing it with my friends and my colleagues who are also doctors or fathers. It seems it is called the "Sympathetic" something. Nonsense. I guess they can call it what ever they want as long as they are not going through it themselves. *****!!

Oh, sorry baby, I forgot we arent supposed to swear in front of a baby.

Anyways, that's all for now, cute bum, because I think I am getting a mood-swing already.

Ufff..

Love,

Pop.

20+ Weeks. Anomaly Scan.

Dear hun,

It was a treat to our eyes to see you again today. Today we saw you sucking your thumb and also patting onto mommy's uterine wall. You look so cute in there. Doctor says that you are perfectly fine for your age and that you are defect-free. That was such music to my ears. I dont have words to explain!!

I only wish Acchan was also there to share this happiness. Till the last USG he was there right here with us. Sigh.

Love you so so much my cutie-pie.

Pops.

20 Weeks

Dearest Hun,

I am sorry for you to have gone through this terrible loss. Words fail me to explain what mommy is going through at this moment. I am heart broken too, but nothing compares to what she is enduring. She wouldnt cry loud and she wished she could just mourn to the irreplaceable loss she's had - but she's worried that would affect you. Your mom is a very strong woman my child. She is a fighter but with a heart of gold. Your mom has never failed to inspire me from the moment I met her. Daddy always tries to be worthy of her love - a love that knows no limits.

You obviously are hearing people around you crying and speaking with a heavy heart, in contrast to all those joyous voices you'd heard till then, but baby - thats exactly the curve life follows. And its how we tread on these rough patches that decide what we are made up of, or what we'll eventually be.

Please pray for your mommy, ammomma and maasi.. They need so much inner strength. Also pray for your acchachan and acchaama. They are equally heart broken. How wouldn't they be - your Ammacchan was such a great man. He would have loved you so much if he were around when you came.

Hang in there safe and tight my lil one - because out here its going to be a bumpy ride.

Kisses and love,

Dadda.

18 Weeks.

Dear hun,

Today mommy and I were calling you all sorts of names and wondering if you would respond to any of them by showing some movement in there. But you did not. I keeping checking up the internet and various other books to see when we'll know that you are a big baby now - and they all give varied answers, none of which is true obviously, since you haven't kicked. Your granny says that it would take an other 4 weeks for you to kick as your mom has a very strong in her abs. Anyways, daddy is going to wait till then!! :)

Lately you must have heard a lot of aunt Divya's voice right? She's a darling. Whenever daddy needed someone right from college Divya aunty was always there for me. She was a friend, sibling, companion, guide, study partner and a brilliant listener since then and till now. We all need to have our best friends baby. When daddy was in college, other boys in college used to smirk about the idea of best friends. They said that Best Friends were a concept of the past, of school. But I never thought it that way. I always had my best friends and still hold on to most of them. Divya aunty has almost always been on the list and the times she hasn't, we've been fighting like all close buddies do. Baby, I know Divya aunty will be the aunty you'd love to go and spend your holidays with and discuss your secrets with because she's a darling and one of a kind. A single piece. And she cant wait to see you as much as us.

While you are hanging in there, I hope you are listening to the few prayers we have and communicating the same to God. Please do that baby. The prayers we have are more for others than for us, and doing that we'll all be blessed twice. Just listen to the prayers in mummy's chest and you'll know what I am talking about.

That's all for now baby. Kick soon!! ;)

Love,

Appa. :)

17 Weeks

Dearest lil baby,

Both mummy and I can see that you are growing quickly in there cos mummy's tummy is finally showing. The baby bump has finally come. And daddy finds it so cute, though mummy says she misses her "figure". Imagine!!

Yesterday, both of us took you on a long drive to the beach. We wanted you to hear the mystic noise of the waves. We wanted you to know how the sound would be like of water gushing onto the sand. Mummy even  sat down on the sand so that the water would come and tickle you and go away. But I presume you wouldnt have felt much in there, because you are surrounded by water on all sides. Lol.

Mommy with her friends on the beach.

We know that you can hear everything in there now. Your ear ossicles must have developed so well. It must be  such a blessing for you to sit in there and listen to the sweet voice of mummy all the time. You hear our Brownie and Bambi too in there, dont you? We wonder how it would be when they meet you and you meet them. I am sure you all will love one another cos you know them and their voices so well already.

I see that mom isnt eating much. Does that leave you hungry hun? If its a yes, gimme a hint and I shall force feed mommy, ok?

Alright baby, once again - love you and cant wait to have you downloaded.

Much love,

Daddy. :)

14 weeks.

Dear hun,

Today your mom and I talked a lot about how your coming into our lives has changed it fully. And its been so overwhelming that I cant really imagine how it would be when you are out of your cozy abode into the world. Your mom often tells me - "you have no idea what I am going through in here.." everytime I ask her why she would throw a fit of tantrum/mood-swing for no reason or why she wouldn't consent to go to the movies in the night (something which we religiously have done before). Sometimes I wonder - is that such a big deal? Then I think - I only am 'imagining' how you are growing there in fantastic pace, but she is actually helping you do that. And trust me hunie, it really wares out your mom. But when she thinks of the outcome in a few months, she soldiers on - bravely - just like the army wife that she is. Your mom really loves you hun. And she's given up a great deal to just have you. I will tell you all that in due time but for now I hope that you enjoyed the wonderful meal mom has had. I am sure you are relishing those extra calories your mom is having just for you. Mommy says that I should not be singing old hindi and malayalam songs for you. Why would you not like those songs just cos she doesn't right? Maybe you would share my tastes for music. But your mom sings so beautifully well, and mine, well, you know by now! ;) Btw, do you actually hear me singing for you? Do you like it? Well, what choice do you have right? Maybe when you are a little bigger than now, you could give some signals to your mom and I would take it as a clue. But there is a great chance that I would interpret the signals the way I would imagine and not your mom. So well hunie, you're kinda stuck with nowhere to run. Just hang in there and enjoy the music. ;~)

Your beautiful mommy..

Kisses,
Mommy & Daddy.

13 weeks plus.

Ultrasound at 12 weeks

Dearest lil hun,

You are growing at a very fast pace now. The last time your mom and I saw you, you were just the size of a peanut. All we could see then was some dark and light images with a small little heart beating inside. You have no idea how much that one sight set our hearts racing. Your mom wasn't really sure till then that you were there inside of her - growing to be our first baby.

Now you have your tiny legs and hands to play with. When we were seeing you, you were busy playing in the shelter your mom has given you that you did not allow the doctor to measure your heart rate. He said, "you have an active baby there", but what I think he meant was - you have a very naughty baby there.

Daddy cant wait to see you lil hun. I feel jealous of mom that she gets to keep you for nine months all for her self close to her heart. But I promise you my baby that once you are out from there into my hands, I'll always keep you close to my chest and keep you warm - sheltered in love.

You are our first baby and we cant wait to have you out into our world. You have the most loveliest mom in the world and she will love you in a way that you can never imagine. She's a fountain of love that'll never dry. And as for me - I'll try and be a good dad too.

The doctor says that to see you next, we have to wait for another two months and by then mom will be 6 months pregnant with you. Then we'll know if you are a princess or a prince. Whatever you are already, we will love you the best way we can.

So sleep now my baby and grow fast and safe, cos daddy cant wait to hold you in his arms.

Kisses,

Daddy.