Day 129

Dearest lil Manu,

Its 129 days since you have brightened up every single moment in our lives. You are 04 months and 06 days today. You have no idea how blessed and fulfilled the gone days have been. For both your mom and me.

As you know, when you were inside mom, daddy used to write more to you. Its simple to guess why. Lately, any time I get, I choose to talk directly to you and miss the chance to document all that is going through my head.

Today I want to tell you how I have been waiting to see you and your development unfurl before me.

Even from the first time I saw you as a whole, doing that super fast cycling that you picked up so early, and that which you still do, I wanted to see you all the time. I would insist to mommy to go with me and do a series of more scans, just to see what you are doing in there. She would refuse and that was the most reasonable thing to do too. Who would like to expose one's own baby to so much unwanted waves? And who better than a doctor to realise that, dont you think? But these are times when your head stops doing any thinking and your heart completely takes over. Well, the bottom of all this is that I have been worried about you a lot. I used to freak your mom out with my queries. Did he kick? Why isn't your tummy growing? Is he having some kind of growth retardation? Why isn't the belly really as huge as it should be? Should we pleaseeeee do an other scan? Did the sonologist find something abnormal in the scan which you think he isn't telling us? Why don't we recheck that? Why hasn't the pain started? Why don't we ask Amma to induce you so that the baby isn't overstaying in there? Do you want to go through the normal labor? Lets go for a Cesarean and get him out! Oh boy, as I write this, I realise how paranoid I have been.

Little Manu

But the funny part is that, ever since you have born, I have been worse. Right from the moment you scared us by not crying loud. Why did he not cry loud? Are they holding something we need to know about our baby from us? Why isn't he breastfeeding like other babies? Why isn't he gaining weight? Why doesn't he have hair on this scalp? Why isn't he pooping on all days? Its about time he rolled over right, then why isn't he already?

Ha ha. I am laughing at myself right now. Because at the end of all this, I have a baby who is perfectly fine and doing things as nature would have it, in the most perfect way. But I think this is the thing my dad and all other good dads I know have been doing, and have been telling me about. The dad's anxiety. Its huge I tell you. Every moment of your life from the time you become a dad, your life fully and unconditionally revolves around your baby. I for sure cannot imagine what I would be to him as he grows up. I had a pattern which I had decided that I would stick to, just to make sure that I am not the overpowering Hitler kind of dad to you, but by the sheer looks of things from then till now, you better watch out, little tyke!

That apart, you have no idea what I wouldn't give just to see that smile on your face everyday, every moment. It truly, deeply, madly makes me happy. Every single atom of my body, soul, mind. Your mother's too. And all those who love you so much. Little Manu, as I already have told you before, I have loved you much before you were born and given into my hands. And I will love you till I breath my last, and yet miss loving you long after I am gone. You are my baby. My first baby. Nothing or nobody can take that place from you. You are the person who will call me daddy for the very first time. You have changed our lives in a magnitude I can never, ever explain. Seeing you, loving you and caring for you is all that I want to do. Just that. All the time. I miss you even when I am with you, my baby. Love you, lots.

Yours,

Daddy.

Chicken and White Cream Pasta

One thing Babi craved for during her pregnancy was Chicken Pasta. She never got tired of it. I mean, how many times have you heard somebody telling you about such a craving ever before? But that was hers. And she would not settle for anything other than the one I cooked for her. We tried a variety of places, but none actually satisfied her palate.  So I cooked pasta at least 5 times a week and nothing ever went waste, as she would have the left overs for breakfast and the remaining for lunch!!

I am so glad that we had her sister staying with us and she would help me in chopping the vegetables.

Let me share quickly with you the recipe I used often. Its simple and keeping the basic framework in place, you could try various new styles too. Also, most importantly, this is the first time I am trying to compose a cooking recipe. So please ignore if it sounds funny. Here we go :

Ingredients :

1. Pasta : 1 packet 500gms serves 06 gluttons easily. (I personally like to use fusilli, and brand : Andalini)

2. Chicken :  ½ kg. Cut into small cubes, or you could also use chopped sausages (it saves time)

3. Vegetables : You can use all that you like. I use carrots, capsicum and occasionally broccoli. Just a half more than a cup full, including everything. You could also add a bit of spinach. It tastes good too.

4. Eggs : 02

5. Onions : 03 big, finely chopped.

6. Tomatoes : 02. Finely chopped.

7. Ginger garlic paste : 3 tablespoons.

8. Blackpepper powder : 1 teaspoon.

9. Fresh cream : 500ml.

10. Salt to taste.

11. Olive oil.

12. Chilli sause : I tablespoon

13. Soya sause : 1 teaspoon

14. Hot sause : 1 teaspoon

Method :

1. Take a large bowl. Put the pasta in it. And pour water to fully submerge the pasta and stop when the water level is a bit above it. Sprinkle some salt and add a dash of olive oil. (Olive oil makes sure the pasta don’t stick to each other and the salt adds to the taste by not making it feel bland)

2. Cook the same for ten minutes on moderate flame and stop the flame and allow it to cook in the vessel with the lid placed for an other ten minutes.

3. Meanwhile, take a pan and pour olive oil into it. Shallow fry the chicken cubes for half a minute and remove it from flame. While you are doing that you can also add to the flavour by adding some oregano or basil leaves on to it. But this is just an add on.

4. Scramble the eggs and keep aside.

5. Shallow fry the onions in olive oil, and to that add the vegetables, ginger garlic paste, salt and black pepper.

6. When they have cooked, into goes the chicken and the scrambled egg.

7. Add the sauces into this now.

8. Once the ten minutes are up, see if the pasta is cooked fully and remove it into a strainer and wash with cold water and allow it to drain.

9. Take the large bowl again and pour a dash of olive oil. Into that goes the mixture you’ve made. 

10. To that add the fresh crème and stir thoroughly. 

11. Just about when the crème is cooked and hot, put the pasta into it and mix thoroughly till all ingredients are mixed well.

12. Cook on low flame for about 3 minutes and you are ready to serve.

13. You could garnish it with some grated cheese and broccoli and it really brings out the flavour.

At the end what you get is a nice and creamy chicken pasta and yes, it does taste quite good.

So when you have the time and mood to try something out in your kitchen, this is a dish you should, because the chances for it to goof up is minimal and also, it requires less cooking time. 

And for expecting daddy’s similar conditions like mine , this recipe can literally save you.

Got to rush, there’s pasta on the stove. ;)

This wait

Dearest lil hun,

You are 37+6 weeks old today and mommy is looking not-so-happy with this wait now. Infact so is daddy. We cant wait to see you now baby. Please try and come out as soon as possible baby. Your grandma was discussing about inducing labour maybe early next week, because she does not want you to hang in there way too long, but I wonder, why not tomorrow?

On the other hand, as much as your mom wants you out into the world, she does not want any artificial intervention. She doesn't want any induction, she doesn't want any caesarian section. But to tell you frankly, I for one dont think that your mom will have the courage to go through the whole labour, because she has a very low tolerance for pain. And it isn't her fault because as much as she wants it, I know she wont be able to take it.

Normal labour or otherwise, I just want to see you fast. I think I am frustrated now. Sorry. :(

Love and waiting,

Daddy.

36+ weeks

Babi : Please stop punching me baby..

Dearest cup-cake,

Today I heard your heart-beats through my stethoscope.  It was such a great feeling. I feel the right word is – liberating. Beating at such a fast pace, as if telling me that you are waiting to come out and meet the both of us. And its likewise baby – cos everytime we perceive a movement or a kick, our heart races with joy too.

When its time for you to draw those curtains and finally see us, you’ll see two loving hearts amidst many others, two hearts to whom your existence have meant the world, two hearts who have counted each minute and measured each milestone of your growth inside, two hearts for whom nothing means more than having you in our lives – two hearts you’ll call Accha and Mamma.

We love you baby. Come soon. Cant wait.

Love,

Pa.

Hiccups from inside.

Last night Babi called me into our bedroom and she was very anxious. When I asked her what happened, she showed me her belly. Her belly moved in rhythmic contractions and we being doctors, knew for sure that it had nothing to do with the onset of labor.

As usual, I freaked out. Could it be that our baby is in distress? Can he be stuck for lack of amniotic fluid volume? Can it be a seizure? The most complicated and disturbing thoughts flashed into my mind for a brief point of time. In panicky, I picked up the phone and called Amma. She told us that these phenomenon are normal and there is nothing to worry. She said that it might be that the baby is having hiccups.

Still not convinced, I forced Babi to accompany me to the nearby hospital. She denied and asked me to fully trust her mother's judgement. Worried, panicky and totally lost, I turned to where everyone in such a situation would do. The internet. I searched the net and I found two videos and seeing them, there was no room left for doubt. I am attaching those videos here for reference to parents, should they go through something like this. And know this much - its a good thing!! It means that the Central Nervous System of your child has been fully developed.Since then, these hiccups have been entertaining and reassuring.

So worry not and just enjoy the moment. God speed.

Fear owns us all.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat that causes animals to move quickly away from the location of the perceived threat, and sometimes hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible. -Wikipedia.

Well, that's all Wikipedia has got? Fear to me is much more than that. It's subject to change depending on the situation I am in.

I fear that my preparation for my exams are not good enough,

I fear that my theoretical knowledge of medicine that has rusted over time, will be the reason for my fall.

I fear to think that I am already a year behind a few colleagues of mine,

I fear that this fear will stop me from extracting the best of me.

I fear that any thing could go wrong at any point during the pregnancy.

I fear that the worst nightmares I have about delivery is actually what I have known to have happened in real.

I fear that may happen in my case too.

I fear that these negative thoughts can actually bring unwanted negative energy.

I fear about my wife's and baby's good health.

I fear that there is nothing much I can do about it.

I fear I am not giving so much time to my wife, as I should be now.

I fear that this time that is slipping from my hands will never come back.

I fear each night, because it brings me closer to my exams.

I fear less each night because it also brings me closer to meeting my baby.

I fear which side of the fence my mind will tread to every dark night.

I fear fear fiercely.

Fear - I do not want you to have the best of me! :(

34+ Weeks

Dear hun.

So a big baby by now eh? I am amazed by how you would always respond to every time you hear my voice. How you would kick everytime I would sing to you. How you wake up from your blissful sumber everytime I touch your mommy. How do you know its daddy who is there near you? Do you really know or is it just co-incidence? Naah - it cant be that - you ALWAYS know. I wonder if you'd always be happy to be near daddy, even when you come out, and also when you grow up. Aah well, I dont want to start of with this expectations thing even before you are born. Ahahahaha. I wonder if its true what mom used to tell me , "you'll only know once you are a parent" when I used to brush her off saying she was over-emotional and worries for us beyond proportion. I am not even there yet, and yet this is how things are. Its all in the circle of life my child. Your granparents did it. I am doing it. Someday you too will do it. And if and when you do, you'll always have these letters that pappa has written for you - to check back and chuckle.

Mommy and Daddy

Meanwhile, your mommy is glowing. She gave me a fright of my life when she told me a few days back that you have not been moving for a while. I tried all the tricks I had in my kitty to wake you up, but you just dont budge. Worked up, with the worst possible thoughts popping in my head, your mom and me gave a SOS call to your granny. The moment you heard your mom and granny talk, there - a kick like never before. Strong, dominating, and totally under control. It was like you were trying to tell us to be more brave and stop acting like sissies. Lol. I think that's the worst part of being doctors and knowing the physiology of all this - only the worst possible outcomes flash into your head giving you a feeling like a stroke.

Anyways, you've been behaving well since then. And that's what matters. Mommy and I have started preparations for the big day. The day you would arrive into our arms. The day that'll be worth all the pain and discomfort and immobilisation mom went through the past 09 months. Worth it all.

As for me, well, I tried to pitch in a lot too. Trying to make mom and you as comfortable as possible. But I enjoyed every single moment of the past few months - watching you grow, knowing to respond to our voice, feeling like a dad - every bit of it.

I will stop now. More in the next letter. Till then, keep kicking my child.

Kisses,

Dad.

Dad's Pregnancy Symptoms

Dearest honey-bun,

How are you doing today my baby love? By the way the mommy darlings tummy is growing, I am sure you are growing up just right. What more can make a daddy happy I wonder.

The whole world talks about mother's pregnancy symptoms and what it takes to be a mother. I agree with that because they go through a LOT through the pregnancy, and nothing in the world can match or take away the importance and privilege of being a mom. But one other person goes through a lot, atleast almost, through these nine months - the dad-to-be.

Eating, Drinking, Swelling like a raisin

For me, it wasn't that tough. I had dreamed of being here even before I got here. That's a whole other story altogether, but my point is - I've got some weird symptoms too. Ok, I know that this freaks you out as much as it freaks me out to write this to you - but there it is. Wide in the open.

Of-late I feel my tummy is increasing in size as well. I have weird symptoms like gastritis and constipation and weight gain, nausea, insomnia, and mood swings. I checked up the internet for reasons because I was too ashamed of discussing it with my friends and my colleagues who are also doctors or fathers. It seems it is called the "Sympathetic" something. Nonsense. I guess they can call it what ever they want as long as they are not going through it themselves. *****!!

Oh, sorry baby, I forgot we arent supposed to swear in front of a baby.

Anyways, that's all for now, cute bum, because I think I am getting a mood-swing already.

Ufff..

Love,

Pop.

20+ Weeks. Anomaly Scan.

Dear hun,

It was a treat to our eyes to see you again today. Today we saw you sucking your thumb and also patting onto mommy's uterine wall. You look so cute in there. Doctor says that you are perfectly fine for your age and that you are defect-free. That was such music to my ears. I dont have words to explain!!

I only wish Acchan was also there to share this happiness. Till the last USG he was there right here with us. Sigh.

Love you so so much my cutie-pie.

Pops.

20 Weeks

Dearest Hun,

I am sorry for you to have gone through this terrible loss. Words fail me to explain what mommy is going through at this moment. I am heart broken too, but nothing compares to what she is enduring. She wouldnt cry loud and she wished she could just mourn to the irreplaceable loss she's had - but she's worried that would affect you. Your mom is a very strong woman my child. She is a fighter but with a heart of gold. Your mom has never failed to inspire me from the moment I met her. Daddy always tries to be worthy of her love - a love that knows no limits.

You obviously are hearing people around you crying and speaking with a heavy heart, in contrast to all those joyous voices you'd heard till then, but baby - thats exactly the curve life follows. And its how we tread on these rough patches that decide what we are made up of, or what we'll eventually be.

Please pray for your mommy, ammomma and maasi.. They need so much inner strength. Also pray for your acchachan and acchaama. They are equally heart broken. How wouldn't they be - your Ammacchan was such a great man. He would have loved you so much if he were around when you came.

Hang in there safe and tight my lil one - because out here its going to be a bumpy ride.

Kisses and love,

Dadda.